When a loved one living with a dementia insists, they need to pick up their children from schoolchildren who are now grown adults—our instinct might be to correct them. "No, Mum, your children are in their forties now," we might say, believing that reorienting them to reality is helpful.
However, best practice, and the voice of lived experience increasingly show that validating the emotions behind such statements, rather than correcting the facts, offers a far more compassionate and effective approach to dementia care.
Validation therapy, pioneered by social worker Naomi Feil in the 1960s, recognises that the feelings expressed by people with a dementia are always real and valid, even when the facts surrounding them are confused. When someone living with a dementia expresses anxiety about collecting their children, they're communicating a genuine emotion—perhaps worry, a sense of responsibility, or the need to feel useful and needed. Dismissing or correcting these feelings can lead to increased agitation, frustration, and a sense of not being heard or understood.
The approach is straightforward yet transformative. Instead of contradicting, we should acknowledge the emotion: "You sound worried about the children. You've always been such a caring parent." This response honours the person's feelings whilst gently redirecting attention away from the impossible task. It maintains dignity and reduces the frustration that often accompanies repeated corrections that the person with a dementia cannot retain.
Understanding why validation works requires insight into how dementia affects the brain. As the condition progresses, short-term memory and logical reasoning decline, but emotional memory often remains remarkably intact. A person may not remember that their mother died twenty years ago, but the grief they feel when they "realise" this afresh is entirely genuine. Repeatedly delivering this devastating news serves no purpose except to inflict fresh pain.
Moreover, people with a dementia often retreat into memories from earlier, happier times—periods when they felt competent, needed, and secure. These memories may surface as present-day concerns. Rather than viewing this as confusion to be corrected, we can see it as the mind's attempt to find emotional safety in an increasingly bewildering world.
Practical validation techniques include reflecting feelings back to the person, using a calm and reassuring tone, making eye contact, and employing gentle touch when appropriate. Care partners might also redirect conversation towards pleasant memories associated with the concern: "Tell me about when your children were young. What were they like?"
This approach doesn't mean we never provide gentle reorientation when appropriate, particularly in the early stages of a dementia. However, it means choosing our battles wisely and always prioritising emotional wellbeing over factual accuracy. If correcting someone causes upset and they won't remember the correction anyway, what purpose does it truly serve?
Validating emotion in dementia care represents a fundamental shift from trying to bring the person back to our reality, to joining them in theirs with compassion and respect. It acknowledges that whilst we cannot restore lost cognitive function, we can always honour the humanity and feelings of the person before us. In doing so, we offer something far more valuable than facts—we offer dignity, connection, and peace.
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